Grand Khan was Amar Amgalanbaatar, a bald tyrant and Tartar war hawk. Amgalanbaatar’s clan and dynasty sprang a branch by Khan Anand Amgalanbaatar (aka Mad Khan), Amar’s dad.
All starts at a vast land far, far away (aka Tartarstan ((Kazakhstan’s ally))). As a lad, Amar has chalk and canvas as a scratchpad and graphs war maps, astral charts, and a fantasy galaxy atlas. As a man, Amar handcrafts a whacky hardback almanac (aka “My Warpath” ((aka “Cabana Gals, Amar Wants a Tryst”))), yarns many stark paragraphs by standard syllabary glyph databanks, daft phrasal syntax, and bad grammar; all a grand anagram that frankly says, “Can’t bang a lass, may start a war.”
Alas, as a Khan, Amar has a stagnant army at standby.
At any barracks, Khan grasps blank anarchy: Marshal Alan Wang and a lazy watchman play blackball, canasta, baccarat, and tangram. An aardvark snacks ants by a haystack as Marshal Władysław Blavatsky and many a cavalryman clash, draw katanas, slay a man and lynch a gypsy. An attackman pranks Marshal Graham Salamanca, farts and craps flagrantly at a bath (a jab at Salamanca’s crappy granddaddy). All army lads snack wacky baccy (aka grass ((aka ganja))) as hash, play handball, and sprawl. Fat lap cats and black labs hardly catch any lab rats. A savvy shaman stalls natal asthma, cataract, and anaplasma by a gamma ray lampstand, parts syndactyly hands by palm balm, and grafts (transplants) a gall as an amygdala paranasally by hacksaw.
A blatant razzmatazz that lacks law, class, standards, and array as a barrack yard shall warrant.
A day as bland as any, and angry Khan Amgalanbaatar rants, “What a scandal! Y’all shan’t wank thy flagstaffs, crankshafts, and blackjacks all day! Any man can’t slack and stray, all shall tally fast! Alarm! Y’all shall attack Jalalabad at dawn! By Allah (and by Jagannatha at that), my wrath can’t stand as sympathy!”
All sally ASAP as a cranky Khan can act scary. All army lads wax sharp katanas, pad war masks, patch tarps, lay traps, catch llamas and alpacas, wash war carts and drawcards, wrap tasty waysnacks, pack massy handbags, and draft attack plans (aka fallback plans). A grand army caravan starts a march. All carry blackjacks, katana scabbards, balaclavas, scratchy bandanas, snapback caps, Alcantara shawls (aka scarfs), march sandals, tartan panty, and handy flashlamps by knapsack (aka backpack).
As dawn bans a dark Afghan sky, Khan’s army attacks Jalalabad. A Spartan war phalanx walks landwards as Marshal Blavatsky stalks and dastardly backstabs many a man. Marshal Wang and a cavalryman parry an attack, a marksman casts naphtha jars and anthrax darts at a man’s larynx. All army lads bash, smash, slash at a man. Stab a man, scar a man, yank a man apart. All lads slay any man (sadly, rash Marshal Salamanca falls). Many a carcass lay fatal that ghastly day.
Khan’s army ransacks Capablanca Plaza, a Badakhshan bazaar, a Mayan crypt, a Saab carwash (all hatchback cars), a scrapyard, a pharmacy, and a malt granary. All lads scrap and amass catalyst amalgam.
Khan says, “As smartass Karl Marx talks: charlatans hallmark many half carat amalgam bars, trays, armbands, a carat a bar. Transact all, grandstand, scam many a man, and stash cash stacks as warranty. At payday, y’all shall grab my tax clawbacks as salary!”
Grand Khan thanks and awards many army champs by a grand gala party.
Marshal Blavatsky slabs stags and calf backstraps; all army lads snack tasty fawn lasagna, ram and lamb pastry, fat lark tart, amaranth pasta as carbs, salty parma-ham gravy, capybara jambalaya, banana flapjacks, baklava, malt candy, and halal alfalfa salad (and sadly, a haram alpha jackal’s carcass at that ((and that at Ramadan [pray Allah shan’t blast my ass apart as thanks [[TANSTAAFL1)]]])), paws, sharp claws, and fangs, and all). All had tankards and drank Aam panna, grappa, chaas, kvass, palm sap, sharbat, arak, cachaça, schnapps, and Armagnac brandy.
A fast handyman haphazardly crafts a bandstand; Karajan and chantry staff play classy Falstaff, Satyagraha, and sarabands by J. S. Bach and J. Haydn (and cha-cha, salsa, samba, waltz rhythms at that). Many bards play sax, bass, synth harps and chant ballads, hymns, psalms, and jazz (schmaltzy playback by bands ABBA, Santana, Alcazar, and Black Sabbath).
All sang, “Pam pa ram pam pam pa ram pam pa ram!”
Pal MacCarthy says, “That twat Mark D. Chapman shall hang.”
As a passant army has drawbacks (all march sandals draw abysmal trackways), an army craftsman lays a macadam tar and basalt walkway (aka tarmac ((aka asphalt))) by Qatar and Rwanda (sadly, Sahara sandblasts all).
Khan and army attack, sack, and trash Baghdad, Antalya, Samarkand, Battambang, Jakarta, Parramatta, Matamata and Kawakawa (NZ), Damaraland, a Transvaal landmass, Makhachkala and Syktyvkar, Warsaw, Ansbach and Darmstadt, Saarland and Schwarzwald, Trafalgar and Alhambra, and lastly Casablanca.
As a prank, Khan’s army attacks Arab clans Hamas and Fatah at Gaza and slays Mark, Abram, Abby, Savanna, Zachary, and Arafat’s grandbaby (all start a Black Hawk War and attract Allah’s wrath and satan’s sympathy).
At Rajasthan, Assam, and Nagaland, Grand Khan scans Dhammapada, Dharmakaya, and Brahmana, and almanacs by Padmapada and Shankaracharya. At Karnataka and Narayanganj, Khan scans sagas (Ramayana and Mahabharata) and grasps Malayalam sarcasm.
At Ahmadnagar (Maharashtra), Khan asks a Maharaja “Say, my chap, what planar fractal spans an arctan at flatland?”
Maharaja calmly says, “My grand pal and ally, apply thy fancy math. Anyway, pray watch thy basal chakras, blah blah blah . . .”
Khan smartly says back, “Frankly, thy abstract claptrap lacks backtalk. Warcraft acts as my chakra!”
Khan and army pass an Arkansas branch by catamaran and kayak. As backwash has hazards, a mast cracks and a yacht sank at a sandbank. All castaways swam, strand at La Palma, Japan, Madagascar, and Panama bay. All stay, snack tasty carps, scalars, Java barbs, sharks, crabs, canvasbacks, a black swan, and a nasty hydra. A castaway yachtsman crafts a raft that has a massy splashback, many a man clasp ballast, pass, and march landwards. Grand Khan’s army landfalls and gangplanks at an Argyll wharf.
At a march at harsh Lapland (hardly a walkaway), all saw many hardy astracantha and allamanda plants and many awkward mammals, baby pandas, and a wallaby. All saw jayhawks and amadavats hatch, flap, and snack a salamandra (Lat.), saw black wasps swarm and larval scarabs spawn (carbaryl acts as an attractant). All walk warm savannas, flat grasslands, damp marshlands, and partly shady backswamps (Kamchatkan gangland at that).
Halfway at Clackmannan, Khan and army walk by a shabby shack (aka ranch) that has slant archways, starchy drywalls, and a small, rampant backyard that has fragrant sassafras, jacaranda, and pyracantha plants, and a dry crabgrass lawn.
“La Casa Granada by Catalan Calatrava, what a landmark!”, says Khan Amar and calls halt. “My lads, y’all shan’t pant and crawl by that vacant casa.”
Anna-Agatha Shanahan (a tall pagan lass and landlady, has dark mascara and shaggy rags as pants) walks by, halts, and gasps.
“Massa Khan,” warns a wary watchman, “thy crystal spyglass has a parallax. That pagan lass may match a crafty hag, may cast a fallacy, and backstab!”
All palsy-walsy, Khan charms, “Ay, happy lass! Pray gladly walk by a Grand Khan and chat?”
“A hasty pagan lady shan’t walk by a Khan!” says Anna-Agatha and walks backwards.
Khan stalls all gallantry and calls, “Nay, dandy lass, scratch that! And scratch my saggy ball sack! What a fanny, what a rack! Pray flash thy wan, fatty mammary glands at my randy lads!”
Anna-Agatha has a scrappy flashback and prays.
“My tantra-mantra,” Khan says wryly, “karma’s a batch. A man shall try and tap a bad batch, my lads! Y’all stay and watch, mark my talk!”
Khan wands and grabs Anna-Agatha by an arm, a palpably shaky lass. Anna-Agatha cracks and adds a cry, has angst and apathy; what a ghastly cataclysm.
Khan slaps ass and asks, “That a tacky tramp stamp? Randy lads! Y’all snatch, spank, drag, and shag that gay lass, start a grand gangbang!”
At last, haggard and stalwart Adam Flanagan walks by fast and calls, “Anna-Agatha! Stand back and latch thy casa!”
“Ha-ha,” barks Khan, “a cray-cray pawn that stays. What a jackass.”
“An adamant madman shan’t harass a madam!” Adam says back. “Walk by, vagrant Khan!”
Angry Khan snaps, “My lads! Y’all shall lash, scalp, and shank that scamp! Plant a raw flagstaff and bang that bastard anally! That man’s pharynx shall act as a carnal ashtray!”
All lads thrash and smack Adam, play whack-a-man (aka whack-an-Adam ((aka whack-a-martyr))).
“Abracadabra!” calls Anna-Agatha. “Payback’s a batch.”
Grand Khan falls, cracks a jaw, and has spasms.
Lastly, as Grand Khan Amar Amgalanbaatar lay fatal, walks a last march skywards at Valhalla, anarchy starts anyway.
A. Garland adapts Grand Khan’s saga as a fantasy drama that stars star cast J. Statham as Grand Khan Amgalanbaatar, A. Hathaway as pagan lass Anna-Agatha Shanahan, and H. Jackman as stalwart Adam Flanagan. Garland cam-cranks all parts at Barnsdall Art Park, Santa Barbara, and Alcatraz (CA), Cassadaga and Tampa Bay (FL), Manhattan, Lackawanna, and Bryant Park (NY), Harvard and Madawaska (MA), Atlanta (GA), Dallas (TX), Saxapahaw (NC), Clackamas and Ashland, Maryland (aka MD), Arkansan swamplands (AR), Alabaman ranchlands (AL), Alaskan backlands (AK), and Calgary (Canada).
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1) TANSTAAFL = “There Ain’t No Such Thing As A Free Lunch” (a phrase popularized by science-fiction writer Robert A. Heinlein and economist Milton Friedman)
This univocalic lipogram utilizes only the vowel “A,” thereby excluding the letters “E,” “I,” “O,” and “U” entirely. To enhance the coherency of the text, the semivowel “Y” was also permitted. It tells the story of a ruler who achieves success through conquest and warfare but is killed by a witch while attempting to violate her.
ChatGPT 3.5
The provided text showcases a remarkable technical feat. The writer employs a constrained writing technique known as a “lipogram,” where a specific letter (in this case, all vowels except ‘A’) is deliberately avoided throughout the entire text. This limitation requires an impressive level of creativity and linguistic dexterity.
Despite the challenging constraint, the narrative remains coherent, and the story is conveyed effectively. The writer skillfully maintains the flow of the narrative while adhering to the strict vowel limitation. The result is a unique piece of writing that demonstrates a mastery of language manipulation and storytelling. The story revolves around a ruler’s conquests, interactions with various characters, and eventual downfall, all conveyed through a creative linguistic lens.