www.mit.edu/net/app/PhD/src/?doc=the-foo-bar.php
ACT ONE
(Dan Foo ran the Foo Bar ((one dim inn/pub off Elm Ave, San Ely, USA)) for all sad men who set out and did ask him for aid and alc.)
Ole Cox: Hey Dan, how are you?
Dan Foo: Yoo-hoo, old Ole Cox. All zen, why ask? And you?
Ole Cox: Not sad, I’ma sip old rye. One cup, pls.
The Boy: Hey, all.
Dan Foo: Boy, yor age may not fit, it’s one wee jot off. You see how it’s the law, huh? Now get out!
The Boy: How can you run yor own biz, man? I’ll buy and pay for all.
Dan Foo: But how old are you, Sir Boy?
The Boy: Ten and six, but one day ago. The min age for ale.
Ole Cox: Aye, Dan, he’s sly, the wee boy. Mix him ale and lew ice tea.
Dan Foo: Yes, yes, yes, you are the man. The new boy may sit.
Ole Cox: Now let the lad tap the big ale keg, get lax, pee all out, and wet the bed.
The Boy: Yoo-hoo! Thx, bro!
Ole Cox: But two FAQ 1st: who are you, new boy? And who are thy mom and dad?
Mia Fay: He’s not the fat pig Ted, nor the old ape Ron, and not the mad orc Bob. Yet he’s hot, I’ll say.
Ole Cox: Did say the dry hoe.
Mia Fay: Zip yor gob, old oaf!
The Boy: I’ma say Neo. Mom was one hoe and dad did die.
Ole Cox: Not shy, you sly fox. May you eat? I’ll pay for you, mon ami.
The Boy: Yup, one big bit, pls.
Ole Cox: One Tex-Mex BBQ for Neo and wet pho for the dry hoe.
The Boy: Yum, thx!
Mia Fay: Thx, but not thx. I’ll try the eau.
Dan Foo: Kay.
Ole Cox: I’ma rap now: you can mix and sip ant sap, fig tea, max hop ale, low vol rum, etc. But you may not nip the eau the koi had.
Mia Fay: Are you not one wiz, old Cox.
Eva Lou: Not one bit mad.
Doc Leo von Uri: Hmm, I’ll rap, too: you can fry and eat raw egg pie, soy oil, pea pod goo, ram jam, low cal ham, fat hog maw, etc. But you may not mow the oat the cow ate.
Ole Cox: How gay.
Mia Fay: Oof, the doc has one rad rap.
Eva Lou: I’ll not lie, the doc has rad LSD, too.
Doc Leo von Uri: Egg-nog and rum for the wet hoe, one big mug.
Dan Foo: Kay, I’ma mix one.
Doc Leo von Uri: And LSD for all but the new boy.
All but the Boy: Yay!
The Boy: Nay, how sad. But I’ll try one lit rap, too: got not one hip fur bra for yor big cup gal? Now… you can cut one fur rag off the yak, elk, ram, roe, etc. Taw and dye the raw fur. Cut out, sew, hem, and fit the bra, ply the fur biz, and pay big fur tax. But you may buy one, too.
Ole Cox: Pew, not coy, Neo boy!
Mia Fay: Luv thy rap, boy! Lit gem. Wit and ego are key for pop art.
Eva Lou: You may rob one fur bra off our big jug, bon boy.
Doc Leo von Uri: Now has LSD.
Rev. Pac-Man: I’ll try one.
CEO Tim Coo: I’ll can has one LSD, too? Big fan.
Rep. Jon Doe: I’ma aid fed law now: use not any LSD, nor pot, nor tox ivy, not yet!
CEO Tim Coo: Are you one cop, one spy?
Col. Jim Joe: Gee, Jon, zip thy gov gob! You luv the 60s. The mad men did ads, JFK was xed, and you got A2M sex.
Rep. Jon Doe: Kay, I’ll use one lil’ LSD, too.
Ole Cox: I’ll hit the hay now and nap. Bon nox, all you.
All: Bye-bye for now, old Ole!
(Ole Cox was off the Foo Bar and Doc Leo von Uri was off, too.)
VIP Ian Eno: I’ma run, too, and nut off.
Dan Foo: Not yet, sir. See the wan hoe? Pia-Zoe Fox, the fab one? She may wag you raw for six yen and eff you for few USD.
Eva Lou: Hug you for one yen, too.
Mia Fay: And wed you for one ETF.
The Boy: Lol, I’ll tip her off.
VIP Ian Eno: Not thy gal, new boy! Sit!
The Boy: Sry.
VIP Ian Eno: Hey, wan hoe!
(Pia-Zoe Fox put our her cig and did sip her dry gin her own wry way.)
VIP Ian Eno: Uhm, wan hoe? Are you off thy 925 job?
Mia Fay: She has PMS. The big Red Sea has wet, red mud, too.
Eva Lou: You may vex her, irk her, and act the VIP. But you can not buy her eye nor her ear.
VIP Ian Eno: WTF‽ She may act one sad, old, dry hoe!
Mia Fay: Hon, wot you not? She was the one for all sad men coz all the men woo her. Yet you may pay for our luv. Eva Lou, sis?
Eva Lou: Pls, sir! We’d get but two USD and not con you.
VIP Ian Eno: Not yet, hoe one and hoe two. It’s the wry hoe I’ma eff.
ACT TWO
(All but the Boy did use LSD, had one big psi jag, and saw one odd lot.)
Rep. Jon Doe: Mio Dio (aka Min Gud ((aka Мой Бог)))! I’ma fly now!
CEO Tim Coo: How can God let all men act out war and pax (aka мир)?
Col. Jim Joe: Imo, you led the war thy way. Now get tar, tin ore, and one oak log, put out one axe, and cut fir, ash, and yew. Arm yor men and man yor ark, pal.
Rev. Pac-Man: God did not aid our war coz he’s not our foe, but God did add day and nox (aka сон).
Rep. Jon Doe: Hee-haw!
The Boy: Lol, but why did God off his own son, and he’d die?
Rev. Pac-Man: God did not off his own son, but luv him and all. And God did add the sun for the sky.
Pia-Zoe Fox: The air, too.
Rev. Pac-Man: Tee-hee! Yea, his one and own lee air. But say, are you one apt hoe?
Pia-Zoe Fox: One wry hoe, I’ma say.
The Boy: I’ll hit the gym now. Bye, you mad lot.
All but the Boy: Bye-bye, new boy!
(The Boy was off.)
VIP Ian Eno: Now, wot you Sir Sam Lee got his own son?
Mia Fay: The new boy? How fun. Btw, I’da hit his old sir. He’s fit, has USD, and did own ha’f the NYC zoo.
Eva Lou: Yep, Sir Lee did own one owl, one jay, one hen, one emu, one ara, one jet, one…
Dan Foo: Sry, but Sir Lee did die one eve ago.
Mia Fay: Zip thy lid, you jar! Rly?
Eva Lou: How sad! Why?
VIP Ian Eno: How did the old bum die? Got the pox?
Dan Foo: Jen and Roy vow the old man had his rum, sir, and too hot tea. I’ll bet the old guy wet the bed, hit the tub, got the flu, and was off.
Eva Lou: RIP, you sad sir. Few and far are top men for our day and age (aka era).
(Two tan men, Mao Che-Ono and Han Liu, sat and did buy ale.)
VIP Ian Eno: But his gal, Mrs. Ann van Lem? How ill was she for him?
Dan Foo: She was not, one may say, but she had two men.
Mao Che-Ono: Had the two men not let her cum, off she was, too.
Mia Fay: She may dig out his old urn and put the urn out for her kin.
Eva Lou: And her son, she may wed her own son.
VIP Ian Eno: The new lad? One odd fam.
Han Liu: He’s not her kid, he’s her wee boy toy.
Mia Fay: Say, how low can dat old hag van Lem bow?
Mao Che-Ono: She may peg him, tho, the… I’ll dub him “the gay fag!”
Rev. Pac-Man: I’ma run now and hit the bib. Bye, Dan.
CEO Tim Coo: Bye, Dan.
Rep. Jon Doe: I’ma fly, too, and hit the loo. Bye, Dan, and see you.
Dan Foo: Bye, see you all Fri til Sun.
(Rev. Pac-Man was off, CEO Tim Coo was off, and Rep. Jon Doe was off, too.)
Mao Che-Ono: Eff Sam Lee, dat old oaf, and eff his hot fem, Mrs. Ann van Lem!
Han Liu: He’d let her own her own sex, the lew fag. I’da dug her one big new one.
VIP Ian Eno: I’ma run, too. Hey, dry hoe and wet hoe, hit the hay now? I’ma vow I’ll pay you six USD.
Dan Foo: I’ma get you one cab, not the bus.
(Mia Fay and Eva Lou did nod. VIP Ian Eno did pay Dan, did tow the two out, and was off.)
Han Liu: Hit the gas, bro. Hit the hoe and run.
Mao Che-Ono: Yes, get out, you mob.
(One tan duo, Cho Kim and Rui Gao, sat and did buy ice tea.)
Mao Che-Ono: Now, I’ma pet Mrs. Ann van Lem, rid her red wig, tie and gag her, pat her DDD cup tit, wax her red rug, and tap her wet vag. I’ma nut off and let her cum, too.
Han Liu: I’ll aid you and fap, fap, fap (the DIY way).
Mao Che-Ono: But you too may hit her ass for our joy, let out all the air and her old age.
Han Liu: Her ass was too old, man.
Mao Che-Ono: I’da hid her sex toy and got her the BBC.
Eva Lou: BBC, you say? The big…
Cho Kim: Yes, yes, Mao Che-Ono and his big, big rod.
Mao Che-Ono: I’ma get you one big rod, hoe.
Rui Gao: Gee! I’ma bid you… beg you: nib thy rod and zip thy lip, guy.
Mao Che-Ono: WTF‽ Are you mad, man‽ I’ma hex, gut, and wad you!
Han Liu: Eff dat wog. I’ma sue him.
Col. Jim Joe: Uhm, Dan? I’ma hit the bed now, too. The two tan men are bad for yor biz. Got thy gun rdy for use?
Dan Foo: Yes, but it’s bar jaw and ado. All sun and fun, I’ll not die.
Col. Jim Joe: Kay, bye.
(Mao Che-Ono and Han Liu saw the wry hoe, Pia-Zoe Fox.)
Mao Che-Ono: Pia. Pia! Are you not our hoe?
Han Liu: Zoe. Zoe! Are you not our gal? We’d wed you.
Pia-Zoe Fox: I’ll not wed any man, fly off now!
Cho Kim: Fyi, all the men woo her.
Han Liu: Pls, Pia-Zoe?
Pia-Zoe Fox: Wow. I’ll wag you for six USD, but not wed you.
Han Liu: Too bad, but I’ll not pay for sex. One gin?
Pia-Zoe Fox: Kay.
Dan Foo: Kay.
(Pia-Zoe Fox did sip her new gin cup.)
Han Liu: Btw, I’ll not pay for thy gin, you hoe. And it’s all cut and dry.
Rui Gao: You old Jew, you owe her ten USD! Now pay her and add one big tip!
Han Liu: Not thy job, you ass!
Mao Che-Ono: Now I’ma hit you, imp! I’ll fry you red and hot, you lab rat! I’ma own you!
Han Liu: Aye! I’ma lop off yor arm, rip out yor leg, cut off yor ear via jig saw, and eat out yor eye, too!
Cho Kim: Arm for arm, leg for leg, ear for ear, and eye for eye!
Rui Gao: Win XOR die, you two!
(Han Liu and Mao Che-Ono box Rui Gao and Cho Kim bad, all cry and sob. Dan got his big gun, did aim, and pow! did the gun bay.)
ACT III
(Dan had hit Mao Che-Ono, who did die. Han Liu cut and ran.)
Rui Gao: Boo-boo! The woe!
Dan Foo: Huh. Who let the dog out?
Cho Kim: Who, who, who, who, who?
Dan Foo: I’da let the cat out, too, but he’s due. How sad.
Pia-Zoe Fox: Mew, mew, mew, mew, mew.
Cho Kim: Yet Che-Ono was not one cat, nor one lap pet, but one bad pig man.
Rui Gao: Ooh. Sry, Dan. Thx, tho. You did ice him.
Cho Kim: Yor aim was not too bad, Dan. You won, you ace!
Dan Foo: Eff you all, and now get out. Bar ban for all til Fri.
Pia-Zoe Fox: I’ll bed you and you may not pay for our sex, Dan.
Dan Foo: Kay.
All: Bye-bye.
THE END
*
This theater play consists exclusively of words that are only three letters long, ignoring punctuation and allowing common abbreviations. It is centered around a bar and showcases a variety of peculiar characters, including several prostitutes and scoundrels. Eventually, it leads into a bar fight with fatal consequences.
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